First draft, Virgin Grace White

Virgin Grace White


Under the heavy, dark clouds, it was raining all day long, and thick, huge raindrop kept knocking on the window to tell the story of what they had been watching and listening to while traveling around the world. Also they deserving to sneak into and glance at the secret didn’t seem to stop annoying or entertaining people. Inside of the window, there was a young, tiny, beautiful girl sitting in front of the desk to write something on a blank white paper. It seemed like a daily journal or a love letter. With warmness and coziness, the music was whispering to her ears quietly.
“My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why
I got out of bed at all.
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can’t see at all.
And even if I could it’ll all be grey
But your picture on my wall,
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad.”
Holding a pen and thinking deeply of what she had done and what she could write took her for a while to make a pen dance as she felt, joyfully and happily. As soon as the song hit the climax with a girl screaming, the story was written.

My name is Grace White. I just turned to eighteen years old and after graduation, I am leaving for college with my boyfriend, Phil Wright. I am a daughter of the Baptist Minister and growing up as a daughter of the pastor made me morally strict and conservative. I had to be pure, clean, smart, gentle, and especially morally perfect. I needed to be home before ten o’clock and was not allowed to sleep over at any place without parents. I was not allowed to hang out with friends who were not Christians and not allowed to listen to any types of music. Only music I was allowed to listen was Hymn, Contemporary Christian Music, or classic one such as Chopin. Listening to Pop, especially Rap and Hip-Hop became the sin. Because of my parents, at church and home, I needed to act like a good girl, studying hard and keeping my faith in the religion; however, at school, staying away from pressure let me feel free to be myself. Unless I made any remarkable troubles, there was no one to make me a bad person. There was no one to tell me that listening to pop music is bad, to make comments on my clothes, or make me feel guilty about anything. I love my school friends way more than church one. From my perspective, my church friends are all fakes. They act nicely and gently to me and adore me without knowing me well enough to talk about me, because of my father. They never know how hard to live under the restriction that oppressed me, and today, I, who they praised for the moral perfection, committed the sin. According to my father, having sex before marriage is the sin as well as drinking and smoking.
Today was our fourth anniversary with my faithful boyfriend, Phil Wright. I believed him more than anyone else in the earth. He is the only one who understands and loves the way I am. Last four years, he gave me so much love and faith, and I wanted to give him something back. I still remember the first time I saw him. In my memory, we were in same English and mathematic classes. Although I was not really interested in any type of men or making a boyfriend, he grabbed my attention. He was taller than six feet and his body was well shaped, which made him confident on his appearance. He was outgoing, funny, smart, somehow rude, but gentle. His kindness was only for me, not for any other girls, that made me more special. When he came to say “hi,” I was frozen. I could not figure out the reasons, but the way I felt made me revealed another side of mine. When he first hugged me, I could feel and hear his heartbeat which proved me how much he loved me. During dinner, we talked about last four years, and after having a nice dinner, we went to his house. While giggling, hugging, and kissing on his bed, I told him about my feeling for him and he replied short and sweet, but strong three words, “I love you.” With the romantic mood overwhelming around us, the sin was committed. Although my religion, parents, and maybe church people would place me into the sin, I loved the moment sharing love feeling each other more deeply. It was unforgettable in my life, and I believe that he is the one I love in this world and as he told me. Although my virginity was gone, sweet happiness holds me tightly. Although I was not a person who kept writing journals and not sure how long it will last, wanted to keep this happiness and the moment I first made love with the best man in the world.

It seemed her happiness would last forever and Grace White was more than sure of her feeling of happiness, relationship and future with Phil. When she came into the room, she kept singing and dancing and her smiles and laughs did not leave her alone. Sometimes, with full of smiles on her face, she mumbled, thought, dreamed, and imagined herself, and suddenly kicked in the air and rolled her body in the bed with shyness. Although her sweet talks on the phone and lovely feeling toward her lover still worked on her heart and went around her mind, a small, but thick, dark cloud came close to her window to let her know that there would be raining soon.
About a month later, she sat in front of the desk, put her journal, and started reading the day she first made love. It seemed that something went wrong, something happened. While reading her journal, she started to smile again, but her eyes got watery. Once looking at the date she wrote the journal on her first physical relationship with Phil, she checked on the calendar about the date of her period. She bit her thumb nail, and her eyes rolled around quickly. To hide her anxiety, she put earphones on her ears and turned on the music.
“My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why
I got out of bed at all.
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can’t see at all.
And even if I could it’ll all be grey
But your picture on my wall,
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad.”
She calmed herself down and tried to start writing, but a bell ringing interrupted everything. She grimaced at the irritation and picked up the phone. As soon as she checked that it was Phil, all bad feeling fading away let her smile. She went to sit on the bed.
“Hello?”
She started to talk with him about her life and listen to him, and since their talks lasted longer, raindrops put their ears on the window as close as possible. Although she put the blanket over her head, they could still hear her. Her secret wanted to sneak out and came to the raindrops.
“Phil, I missed my period.” Grace said.
“Oh, are you sick? Are you okay?” Phil started to worry and asked her.
“No, I feel great. I am just worrying about…“
“About?”
“I am worrying about pregnancy.” Grace whispered.
“Oh …” Phil could not hide the embarrassment, but continued to talk, “did you get a pregnancy test?”
“No, not yet.” She answered.
“Grace, I don’t think you are pregnant. No worry. It was only once, and its possibility is very low. Tomorrow, I will get the self pregnancy test kit. Until something happen, do not worry. Even if something happens, do not worry. I am and will be with you whatsoever happens to you. I love you.”
“I love you, too. I should go to bed, now. You relieved me from all the anxieties. I am just scared to tell my parents when it comes out to pregnant.”
“On, Grace. Don’t worry, first. It won’t happen. Just sleep and relax yourself.”
“Okay, See you tomorrow at school!” she hung up with a big smile and went back to the desk. Once again, she started to write the journal.

I just realized that I missed my period this month, which made me really worry about the pregnancy and myself. Is it possible that having sex only once can make a baby? Then, am I pregnant? If I really am, then what should I do? How should I tell my parents? What can I say them? What will my parents tell me about it? Hope I am not pregnant as Phil said.
But, ironically, after talking with Phil, I feel relief and even little great. Because of what he said, “I am and will be with you although whatever happen to you. I love you,” my anxiety was fleeing away and made me think about the further relationship and future with Phil. Having children looking like whom I love and making the life together might be great. I remember the day making love and what he said after all. Nice warm air around us, feeling him through whole body made me, and being surrounded by his strong arms made me feel secure and comfortable emotionally. I cannot forget his eyes. There was no doubt that he is the one I have in my life.

After moving a pen around the white blank paper, she rested her chin on her hands and went into the deep thought.

Next day, Grace brought a self pregnancy test kit in her backpack. She read the direction very carefully and went into the bathroom. Although time went away, she did not seem to get out of the bathroom. After about an hour, she came out from the bathroom with a white stick in her hand. She was crying. She called someone, maybe Phil, and with little talk, she left the room.
Almost 9:00 p.m., she came back and started to cry quietly. She cried and prayed for hours and hours and fell asleep.

After more than a month, there was still a song singing sadly in her ears, while sitting in front of her antique, wooden desk right in front of the window. For her, the song was well mixed with the rainy day and made her more melancholy. She rested her chin on her both hands and went into the deep thought.
“My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all.
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all.
And even if I could it'll all be grey
But your picture on my wall,
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It's not so bad.”
As soon as she woke up from the unrealistic and ideal dream of her future, she started to write her journal.

Since I had an abortion, I have dreamed the same thing, which made me freak out. Although she was still a baby and hard to tell whether a girl or a boy by appearance, I could tell she was a girl. In the beginning, I could not even see her, but as soon as she held my right hand, she grew up so fast. However, I was afraid. I didn’t want her to be with me, because I was all by myself. I was alone. I took her hand off of me, and she melt into the blood. Red blood on the grey background emphasized the death of one’s life, and cried out, “why did you kill me? Why did you kill me?” Even though I ran away, it kept following me and asked, “Why did you kill me? Why did you kill me, mom?” it was the nightmare I had every night.
I shouldn’t have been acting like a fool. I should not believe any one. There were nothing true, and his love was not, too. After graduation, I killed the baby I desired to see with Phil, but when Phil ran away, there was nothing left for me. By myself, I could not tell my parents because I was afraid of what they would say and how the other people looked at me. The sweetest dream ended up as a tragedy and I am not only the sinner who broke the natural order, but also the real sinner who kill the baby. I should have done before my parents knew that I got a baby; however, it cost too much pain and guilt. When I brought the self pregnancy test kit to Phil, when he saw that I was pregnant, I saw his eyes were shaken. I have never expected how he treated me and said to me. When I went to meet him, I saw he was sure of that there would be one line, but when he saw that there were two lines, he did not say anything for about thirty minutes. There was only awkward silence between us, and he said, “I’m sorry.” I asked him back, “what are you sorry for?” But he did not answer, just rode me back home. At that moment, I could not get what he meant. After, He avoided me, and a week later, he came to meet me and asked me abortion. As soon as he had said what he wanted to say, he ran away from me. He went to Africa missionary trip for three months. There was no way I could contact him, and there was nothing I could say him. I did not say or ask him anything. Yes, it was him. It was him who gave up on me. It was him who killed my baby, and it was me who actually killed my baby. After abortion, there was a baby appearing in my dream and kept asking me why I killed her. How can I be away from this guilty conscience? How can I relieve from all the pain I am paying for, right now? How can I remove the burden of murder? How can I...?

After writing her journal, she disappeared. She was gone forever. There were only white chrysanthemums on her desk. She died. She killed herself. It might be too much pressure for her. She might be immature to get controlled over everything happened around her. Although her physical appearance seemed to be an adult, her spirituality and mentality were still young to control. What made her insisted to tell the other. She could tell her sister, if she was afraid of her father. They don’t know the answer since the dead wouldn’t say anything; however, her young immature decision brought the tragedy to Whites.
Every night, her father came into her room and cried. When her mother found him cry, both cried together. Her sister came into her room, and tried to feel her in her bed. But she was gone and never came back.
On her desk, there were two letters.
To, my beloved daughter, Grace White
Grace, my beloved daughter, Grace. We really miss you from the bottom of our heart. Grace, I am really sorry for making you guilty and not teaching the most important thing. Whatever you had done, we love you. Whoever you are, we love you the way you are, because you are wonderful being yourself, and there was no one who can say that you are the sinner because we all are the sinner. With the grace of God, there was nothing unforgivable and unforgettable, and there was no one who could judge the others. I am really sorry that I forced you to live the way I wanted you to. Grace, rest in peace and hope to see you again.
From, you father, David White

To, Grace White
Grace, I am really sorry that I did not keep my words. I was really scared of everything. I did not know what I could do and what I should do. I was also afraid of telling my parents and facing the problem. I believed that abortion was the answer for everything, but it wasn’t. I really want to take my responsibility and prove that I do really love you all my heart. Would you marry me? Although I know after disappointment, it is hard to recover the relationship, I do not want to miss you and I do want to be your husband as soon as I get back to United States. Hope this letter gets to you before you are going through abortion. I am really sorry and love you so much. I will do my best to love you.
From, Phil Wright

However, they were too late to change the thing right. She was already gone and never came back. There was still a song whispering in her ears, to say that it would be okay.

“My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all.
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all.
And even if I could it'll all be grey
But your picture on my wall,
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It's not so bad.”


While listening to "Stan," by Eminem, A huge inspiration stoke my heart and decided to write about an abortion. This is my first draft, and I am sure that there are many grammatical errors and things to revise. However, just want to share my inspiration with others.